I looked at my post title and contemplated a couple of times before publish this. There's so many questions in my head and I don't think they'll ever be cohesive as much as I'd like to be. Do you know what it feels like to be in the middle of being so pumped up and being so pooped out?
As someone of multiple interests, I tend to get myself into all sorts of things. Recently, you may have seen me around Twitch - streaming or participating in chat - or in some Discord server.
Or not, the world's too big, lol.
I am slowly getting traction in these areas and believe me when I say that I am excited! Never did I imagine meeting new people this early and I am super grateful for that. It seems like the people skills I've been working on has been paying off but it's also something I dread.
I know how eager I can get and I feel it's starting to take toll on me. I'm losing track of things, sleep's starting to feel like it's a waste of precious hours being awake, and I just can't stop. It's probably because I'm in a race against time. I've been unemployed for almost a year now and funds are draining quickly. I took some loans that I am not even sure if I can pay off soon and that's some dumb move, really. There's no one to blame for except for me. That makes me angry as I could've done so much before but everything's just stuck at step one. No progress was made, maybe little, sure. But I can't put anything out for my sake because I'm nitpicky as hell.
Yes, yes. Hive is a mixture of people who likes money from content creation and people who genuinely just want to share things to the world. I am both. I grew up writing as a kid. I like money. I need the money. But every time I type anything, even if it's about something I find fun or interesting, I keep going back and forth per sentence. Or even per phrase. Is my grammar even right? Are my punctuation marks at the right places? Is the header photo good enough? Is this even worth publishing?
No. Nothing's good enough for you until you find it in yourself that it is good enough.
I only realized that now while I'm writing my feelings away. Or whatever these are. Now it's obvious to all of us that I have regrets. And when it comes this, they're a lot.
I regret not letting myself loose. Why did I not let the words flow out and then see what happens later? Why am I so concerned about an image I have made up for myself when no one really cares? This is the internet. Why give so much pressure on that? I hate how I grew into a person who is so critical of themself. I wish I knew better.
I regret taking too many strides in one go rather than moving slow and steady. Now I'm struggling to put myself sleep because I feel like I'll miss out on things. What are those things? I don't even know! It's illogical and logical at the same time to me.
I regret so much more than those but all this rambling is emptying my head.
Maybe I needed to let it all out.
Maybe I forgot to breathe and now we're here imploding again.
Maybe this is step two and then I need to work some more for step three.
Maybe I swept everything else under the rug.
Well, whatever. I gotta get moving as everyone else does. Gotta hustle.
I am not sure why you clicked on this. But if you reached the end, thank you for stopping by and watching me scream into the void.