It was a day that is frozen in my mind, a haunting, vicious memory that creeps in when I'm at my lowest and has me begging for answers, for some kind of peace of mind. It stings, even years later. Three years and five days.

This year, I didn't even remember to light a candle or say a prayer for you on that bleak day. God how I miss looking into those beautiful blue eyes. Or seeing the little corners of your mouth curl upward. You know what? Come to think of it...I don't know if you ever even had the chance to smile.

All you knew was pain. And it kills me inside, haunted by a time in my life that was probably the happiest and saddest I have ever experienced. The day you let go, I felt my life crash to the floor and shatter like broken glass. Trying not to scream, I can feel the anguish and despair eating me alive. Am I bad father for forgetting?

Am I bad father for not doing even more? I had exhausted every element of my life to try and make you just comfortable. Little boy blue, oh how I miss you. From you lion beanie to your cars books to your long little fingers. What I would give to have taken your place so that your mother would still have at least one of us...

     .....I'm falling apart.....

I'm living in the ashes of my past that's overcoming my every effort to build a brighter future for myself. With all of my heart I loved you like I have never loved anything in my life.

For years all I wanted was the chance to be a father. I live in a self inflicted hell now, just trying to escape the demons that live inside of myself. Unable to sleep at night because the voices in my head scream that I am a failure, driving me completely insane..

I wonder what would have been different if you would have been born healthy, im losing a never ending battle I wage upon myself. Agony fills my world, a prisoner here inside of my memories.

It wasn't anyone's fault is what the doctors had said, that it could have happened to anyone. That it was hereditary, that the hydrocypholus could be treated. They even did head surgery on you, putting a shunt inside your precious little skull. My heart is shattered and I don't believe it can ever be put back together. In time they said it would get easier, but I swear that it doesn't. You just don't think about it as much, and that's what led to these tears today.

I wish I was made of stone, or that my heart was full-metal. Because some days, dealing with the pain of your loss tares into me like a sniper round. Completely blind siding me and cutting me down to where I only feel an inch or so tall. All I keep thinking is what If...?

And this is the most dangerous question of all. Because with you in my life, I felt some sort of purpose. I felt a sense of direction. I don't know what to do, or which direction to go. All I know is that I forgot your days and I feel like such an awful father. Please forgive me blue.

Forgive me for signing the DNR. Forgive me for not being able to stay with your mother. Forgive me for being such a shitty person. But most of all, remember that I love you and that I miss you. So much, I live in almost a duality of sorrow. And I just want to be ok, and be able to live some sort of a semblance of a normal life. Or at least, not forever in guilt. Or shame.

You are my heart Jaxson Leon Meisman. You will never be forgotten, and I swear I'll do something special for you next year....and I've lost all my photos of you, I lost your ashes..