The ecoTrain Question of the Week is "What Aren't People Talking Enough About?"
I considered many possible answers to this, but then the one thing that people really hate to speak of came to mind, and I thought I would write about it. However, people hate to speak of it so much that I worry you will hate to read about it also. Nevertheless, I have written about it.
Source: Valiphotos from Pixabay
Death
It may seem obvious (or does it?) but the one thing that people do not like to speak of or even think about is death. I said it and now you probably want to run away and hide. A little?
We are all going to die.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but it's the truth. Sometimes, in a movie, some panic-monger cries out dramatically, "We are all going to die!" and we, the audience, are on the edge of our seats because we wonder whether they really will die or not. Spoiler alert: they will die, but maybe not during the movie.
When I was three, and, oddly, my memory goes back that far, much of my understanding of the world came from movies that I watched with one of my parents. I watched Westerns with my father and murder mysteries with Mom. It was the 70's, and they did not worry about whether these were appropriate viewing for a three year old. I did not mind, of course.
Source: Majabel_Creaciones from Pixabay
I was very fortunate in that all of my knowledge of death came from the movies. I realize that some small children have to face harsh realities at an early age, and I was very lucky.
I remember thinking that if I could learn to shoot properly and be quicker on the draw than my rival in a dual at high noon, I would not die. I worried because no one I knew had a gun, but I thought I would learn when I got older and it would probably be okay. In retrospect, I was a neurotic child. To be fair I am a neurotic adult also at times. At most times.
One day, I was watching a murder mystery with Mom. It was a strange one. I cannot recall all the details, but the father disguised himself as the mother so that the children would not be sad that she had died. I really don't know how he managed to pull off this deception. If my father had tried to disguise himself as my mother, even at the age of three, I would have known right away.
I remember turning to my mother and saying, "But, who killed the mother?" She said, "No one." I was puzzled. I said, "Then, how did she die?" Mom said, "She died of natural causes."
A few seconds went by. Mom was engrossed in the program. "What are natural causes?" I asked. Mom grew slightly impatient. "Oh, Harlow. Everybody dies, don't they?" She went back to the show. I sat in stunned silence.
Everybody dies, don't they? They do?
Well, that was shocking news to my three year old self. Years later, I told my Mom about this and she was a bit horrified with herself for telling me about death in such a cavalier manner. She had no idea the impact it had on me. I didn't like to admit the extent of my own ignorance. Yes. I realize I was an unusual child. I am now an unusual adult. She felt guilty about it, but I think there was no need to feel guilty. Better to rip that bandaid off. Everybody dies.
I wonder if most people recall the exact moment at which they realized that death was inevitable.
I Have Suffered From Depression On and Off Throughout My Life
One time, when I went to speak to my doctor, he said, "Harlow, life is like a rainbow. It is beautiful. And then: it is gone."
That was when I realized my doctor does not know how to speak to someone who is depressed. He might have been correct, but if I were to make a top ten list of the least comforting things to say to a depressed person, that would be on it.
In the same conversation, he told me that one of his other patients once asked him, "Doc, am I going to die?"
He said, "Of course you are!" I have no idea why he felt that anecdote was appropriate to tell a depressed patient. He has the worst bedside manner of any doctor. I only keep going to him because he is reasonably intelligent although this is becoming less of a counterbalance to his almost unbelievable apathy as the years go by. Sometimes I wonder if I keep him as a doctor because I secretly-not-so-secretly have a death wish.
Nevertheless, despite his words being almost tantamount to malpractice, he was right. Life is brief, like a rainbow. And when his patient asked if he was going to die and the good Doctor said, "Of course," well, that's a horrifying response, but he was right again. You have to admire his refusal to be in denial of death.
Our Time on This Planet is Limited
Most of us live in denial of death most of the time. In a way, this is healthy. Why focus on the negative? However, it is also important to acknowledge that our time here is limited.
Why? Many people I know remain in situations that they don't like because they are waiting for "someday." These situations might be jobs, relationships, locations, etc. I am not speaking about people who are trapped in a bad situation and cannnot leave for one reason or another. That is very sad, and it sometimes cannot be helped.
Rather, I am referring to people who remain in jobs they don't enjoy or cities they do not like or with partners who upset them out of a sense of fear of the unknown. Most of us have been in this situation, and if you are in this situation, of course, you must think long and hard about what is appropriate for you to do because, as we all know, each decision in life has consequences. However, not making a decision also has consequences. We might waste years of our lives in situations that are bad when we could have been much happier.
When I used to work in the high tech industry in a cubicle in a corporation, for example, I was very unhappy every day. I had to drag my body to work and then I also had to drag my body back home. It was not exactly torture, but every day was unpleasant and, although I was in my 20's, I often thought about retirement. Retirement would set me free, finally, I thought.
It seemed like madness to leave an industry in which I had some talent and that paid very well. However, I did leave, and now, I am glad that I did. There is no amount of payment that can give you your life back. If I had waited until retirement, I might have been too old and fragile to enjoy the money I had saved up during all those years of misery.
I do realize that I am privileged to be able to choose this moderate level of poverty rather than work in ways that feel like they are sucking out my soul. I know that many people worldwide cannot make such a choice.
If you are reading this right now and you think I was a bit of a princess to make that decision, I will say this: I don't think I would be alive if I had not left corporate life. I have struggled with depression for about 25 years. That is something some people understand well, and others do not understand at all. I have managed to stay relatively well most of the time by striving to be true to myself. It is an uphill battle. If you have no experience with depression, you will have no idea what I am speaking about and might judge me, and that is okay. Well, there is not much I can do about it, right?
However, I suggest if this is the situation you find yourself in, you try to learn a little more about depression because you probably know some people who are depressed. It is not mere sadness. In fact there have been many times when I was depressed but not sad, and other times when I was sad, but not depressed. If you don't understand depression, you cannot help those around you who are depressed, and then you are a danger to them. You are risking their lives. Think about that for a moment.
Celebrate Your Time Here
Because our time here is limited, I think it is important to make the best of it. To me, that means finding work that is rewarding, people who are kind and compassionate, and having goals that make live worth living. This is why I think speaking about death is, surprisingly, positive. It reminds us that there is an end to it all, and that helps us to be mindful of what we want in our lives and what we do not want in our lives.
On the other hand, I think sometimes it can be useful to stick it out and make a good, solid effort with things that are at first frustrating. There might be people or jobs that seem like they are not worth the effort, but, over time, we come to see that we were mistaken. However, it is important to always assess our situation and not live our lives by accident.
For example, I had a friend whose partner cheated on her. At first, she was very angry and wanted to leave him. However, he was extremely remorseful and she loved him very much. She decided to stay with him, and now, years later, she told me she is grateful that she stayed in the relationship. It is the best relationship she has ever had. He is extremely kind to her. He respects her feelings and loves her better than anyone ever has.
So, sometimes it is worthwhile to stay in a situation that initially seems bad. Other times, you should cut your losses and move on.
Conclusion
People simply do not like to speak of or consider their own mortality or that of those around them. Often when friends or family are terminally ill, people either gravitate away from them or feel terribly sorry for them, not realizing that death awaits us all. We should still have compassion, of course, but who is to say who will die first? When we deny people who are dying the opportunity to speak about death as though it is a bad word or a curse, we are cutting themselves and ourselves off from an important part of life also.
The understanding that death awaits us all is one reason why I am comfortable adopting cats who are quite old. A friend adopted a kitten, and, sadly, her cat died at the age of only five years old. So, even though she adopted her as a kitten, they only had five years together. I adopted my Louie when he was 11. Now he is 14, and I hope he will live for many more years, but nothing is guaranteed. The funny/sad thing is that, because Louie is such a physically beautiful cat, many other people also wanted to adopt him, but when they found out he was 11, they no longer wanted him. I thought he deserved to have a happy life as much as any other cat, and, as I said, we never know how many years anyone has remaining, cat or human.
There are whole industries that exist to help us deny death. The "anti-aging" industry is one. I have bad news: anti-aging is not actually possible. Maybe one day. For now, it is literally only skin deep.
I think part of the reason we have religion is to help us cope with the inevitability of death, and that is mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy. I was raised without religion, so it is often challenging for me to identify with people who are religious, but I understand how healthy it is. I once had a friend who asked me (in all seriousness) how I can consider myself to be a good person if I don't have religion. I asked why I would not be a good person if I don't have religion. He gave me a very long answer, which would probably make a lot of sense to another religious person, but which did not make sense to me. I have to say that, when my mother was dying, I wanted very much to find religion. I looked and looked. I could not find it.
I did contact an Anglican chaplain at the hospital because my mother was born and raised Anglican, and I thought the chaplain might bring her comfort. I am fairly certain she (the chaplain) did. However, because I could not believe, I did not find comfort.
Death is something nobody likes to speak about. It is a mixture of superstition and denial. We all know it will happen one day, but we like to think there is something we can do to avoid it even though we cannot. All that we can do is live the best life possible. In the end, most of the things that many people consider to be important - money, popularity, beauty, fame, physical possessions - are completely irrelevant.
All that is important, all that we truly leave behind, is the kindness and compassion with which we treat one another. What's strange to me is that these are not what we tend to value the most when they are the only gifts that transcend death and really connect us to other human beings.
(This was really long, and so, if you actually read it all, I give you a hug and virtual gold star. Congratulations! Also, many thanks. I think the highest honour you can do a writer is to actually read her words (in my case) or his words.)