The two poster sums up the double attack I have been having since childhood, losing my dad few days to my third birthday destabilized my life no matter how I tried to stay strong. But then I became paranoia about losing my dear mom too, that didn't happen till the very moment I finished college, then mom died, a blow that might keep me unstable maybe for life.
Mentally, it has eaten me inside out, how could my mother, the woman that raised three boys with sweat and blood died without me paying back even a dime out of all the sacrifices she made? Depression set in and I became an alcoholic, a diehard one. Reason being that, I couldn't sleep no more since my mom passed on in her sleep the day I went visiting her upstate. If you have ever longed to see your parents, no matter how grown you are, you would understand what pains and horrors that comes with death. In my case, I had stayed months and years without visiting her from the city where I live, and yet the day i finally visited, we chatted and talked till almost midnight only for her not to wake up no more the following morning.
Yes, she passed on in her sleep. And my life drained out of me when i entered her room the following morning to check why she's not ready for work, behold; she was stone cold on her bed. This was my story this day 23rd of May 2013. I live with a guilt; was she calling me why she struggle for her las breath? Was I a dumb deep sleeper who couldn't save my own mom when needed?
A widow for more than two decades, My dad passed on October 23rd 1988 like I said so by my calculations she decided to call it quit on Earth after 25 years of loneliness and single-handedly raising three fine young men and not waiting to see her grandkids. I am as shattered as "the middle of a stormy night" to tell you my pains, considering the many things I couldn't achieve in her lifetime due to financial limitations. I'm very healthy and so are my siblings, so i had started working early at age 15/16. I had a shunt growth into my adolescent because of poor feeding, mother could only try her best and she couldn't commit any crime to feed us.
So at late into my 15yrs I began to bloom, still growing with so many insecurities and pains. OCD was hitting me out, being paranoia was bashing me. I tried joining the military to tame these two monsters but I couldn't get in, I almost got drafted into the US armed forces to go fight in Afghanistan back in 2017/2018 but got unlucky or rather I'll say lucky I wasn't there at the Air force base on time that day.
So Alcohol seems to help tamed the monsters a bit, but then I suffered another blow, my then Girlfriend decided to abort our baby after a small fight just three months after mom passed in 2013. She claimed she doesn't think I could be strong enough to be a father because she sees I'm mourning for far too long. That was like been killed again, the thought of bringing a baby to the world was a happy one that was short lived by some malicious thought.
How do you deal with monsters? How tolerant are you?
Alcohol didn't help without more damage, for almost a year I couldn't sleep without getting drunk. A good friend stepped in for me, he said he couldn't watch me to drink myself to death, magically he helped me get over my drinking problem under three months. I was out of the city for over a year, so by the time I was back, I became free of drinking, not totally but I became tolerant to not having a drink in a month or more.
I started meditation, though that didn't last long but it helped filled some void in me. Then I found the Block chain Late 2016, and became very active on Steem in March 2017. So all my intolerance was channeled into Researching and surfing the new world of crypto projects and all. I also started a Steem-based Charity Group @steem-lagos, most of the charity projects we embarked on was fueled by what i have been through and i try to channel that energy into something positive and life changing for others.
Till date, I'm still not completely free of anxiety and fears of the unknown, sometime it makes me depressed but unlike before, I have learnt not tame it and control it. I have friends abroad i could chat up and talk to when I'm being attacked by these monsters, but Alcohol never took that lead no more and I know my dear mom is resting in better place, that gives me a calmer and peaceful thinking!