I am beyond happy in my relationships with my family, friend, colleagues, and love life. In terms of my career, I consider myself blessed because my status is far better than it was seven years ago. My relationship with my daughter is the one thing that genuinely concerns me.
This saddens me every time we talk on the phone, because of how she acts, how she answers, how she doesn't pay attention to the things I'm telling, and how she continuously cancels my phone calls due to her being preoccupied with what she's watching on the internet. Most of the time, I feel guilty about leaving her, especially when she is disciplined by her grandparents for her behavior. How I feel guilty when times that she's crying and I cannot be on her side to comfort her.
I feel guilty about how at times she is allowed by her grandparents on her father's side of using phones or watching YouTube ALL day. How I feel guilty that I was not there guiding her in her formative years. Even if I come home every month, even if I spend days with her still it isn't enough to teach her how to be a good girl.
There was this time when I was speaking to her on the phone and she was upset, I asked her what's been bothering her. She said she was upset because I didn't tell her to throw her diaper in the garbage bin. That's the time that I realized that even if we only have limited time together, she still remembers how to sort things out. How she wanted to be commanded.
By this time, I having a hard time deciding if I should prioritize my career and providing for my family above being a mother and setting a good example for my child. I know I cannot change how things should be. All I can do is to be the better version of myself, both as a mother and as a person.
If I have the chance to shape my life into the life that I wanted, I will quit my job and devote my time to my little family. For me, that would be the best decision that I will be making. 💜
Adios! See you in my next blog Hivers....
I am Ruffalyn, from a coastal municipality in the province of Leyte, a soon-to-be architect by profession and a working mom. Join me as I bring to light the inner piece of me.
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